My whole life feels like a contradiction. I’m an old soul in a 22 year old vessel. I’m a heavy left wing liberal with devout Christian beliefs. I don’t believe in war or funding militant behavior but I am an Airman serving actively in the Air Force. I want to make my father proud more than anything, but everything about my life is displeasing in his eyes. I am a boy in a female’s body. 24 months ago, if you told me I would conquer the truths I’ve since faced, I would have questioned your sanity. There is nothing scarier than being honest with yourself. My personal development in all aspects of my life has shaken my foundation, challenged my thinking, and evolved my true happiness – and let me tell you, for a kid brought up in a strict, military, Christian home, selflessly aiming to please, that was not easy to overcome.
My life contradicts itself. I am nothing short of human but I am constantly and rapidly evolving. Every day I feel further and further from the weak, confused, closed off person I was before my eyes were open. I have meaning and purpose now and I suppose that’s what most people would call “living.” When I first started coming to terms with my Trans* identity, I become completely immerged by a need to know myself. By allowing myself to be consumed by this drive for liberation, I have experienced so many personal revelations that have set me free.
I am now hard at work at organizing a non-profit and I am passionate about making a difference in whatever way I possibly can. I am taking steps towards strengthening my faith. I am pushing myself to exercise and eat better. I am diligently building my relationships with family and friends. I’m striving to be a better version of myself. 2 years ago, I would naively laugh at the person I am now, thinking I was such a loser. It’s so easy to feel excited about living when your life feels like your own. To most people, that statement would sound so juvenile but when you’ve been trying your entire life to make a square peg fit into a round hole, it’s utter liberation. I can’t really identify with the person I was 2 years ago, but in essence, I have always been who I am now. Contradictory? I think yes.